By Executive Editor John Yoder

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This blog is part of a series Cultural Differences that Drive Pastors CRAZY

“Everyone is encouraged to speak freely!” announced the kindly American small group facilitator. But week after week, the results were the same. The Americans did most of the talking. The Chinese, bright university students with strong English skills, listened silently. Was the facilitator doing something wrong? Did the Chinese have nothing to say? Did they lack initiative?

The reality: Both groups were doing precisely what their first-grade teachers told them to do.

An American first grade teacher says, “Speak up! You have something important to say. Your voice must be heard.” High schools teach public speaking. Women and minorities are encouraged to make their voices heard.

A Chinese first grade teacher says, “Sit down. Be quiet. Take notes. Never embarrass yourself by giving an incorrect answer. The one who memorizes the most material and repeats it on a test gets to attend a famous university and earn a big salary.” Public speaking skills are not valued. This thinking is reinforced all the way through graduate school.

In adulthood, we continue to practice skills we learned in first grade. Americans have the global reputation of being loudmouthed, opinionated, and direct. Americans can see their global partners as shy, reserved, and lacking in initiative.

Here’s what I did for that small group leader. I agreed to facilitate the small group for two weeks. On the first week, I explained the difference between American and Chinese first grade teachers. Both sides agreed I was spot on! Then I said, “I’m going to ask some discussion questions. If you grew up in the US, I want you to silently count to 30 in your head before you say anything. Everyone else can speak right up.” To the Americans’ astonishment, it did not take the Chinese long to engage.

One downside of this approach is that you have to explain the rules every time. One outspoken American who hasn’t learned the unwritten cultural norms can single-handedly dominate the conversation.

The second week, I asked the discussion questions in Mandarin Chinese. The students lit right up. The Americans were quite amazed at how outspoken the students became. Part of their openness was that I allowed them to speak in their mother tongue. But another dynamic was that the Americans weren’t able to engage in the conversation.  They realized that the Chinese were fully capable of meaningful small group interaction—if all the Americans present knew the unwritten cultural rules.

There are thousands of immigrant congregations meeting in the facilities of American churches. In most cases, the pastors barely know each other. There is little ministry engagement between the two churches. I call such churches “religious roommates”. Even when the immigrant pastor speaks good English, he may be hesitant to share behaviors of the host church his people find insensitive.

So how can a Western Christian have a productive, mutually engaging conversation with a believer from a more reserved cultural context? Here are two suggestions.

1. Learn a few well-crafted questions that draw others out. Don’t ask questions that can be answered with a yes or no, but that require complete sentences in response. If you meet regularly with a ministry partner from a global culture, a great question to ask is “If our church could change in any way to serve you better, what would it be?” Another is, “What have members of our church said or done that your people found insensitive?”
2. Get comfortable with silence. In a classroom where everyone is encouraged to speak up, there are few pauses. When a teacher poses a question to students from global cultures, most are hesitant to speak up. Giving the wrong answer is regarded as shameful. That’s why I teach the “count to 30” principle. Ask a well-crafted question, then start counting to 30 in your head.

These are skills that grow over time. Give yourself space if your global partner doesn’t immediately open up.

May God bless you with many wonderful cross-cultural conversations!