By Executive Editor John Yoder

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This blog is part of the series Cultural Differences that Drive Pastors CRAZY

One of the greatest differences between Western and global cultures is task versus relational orientation. While American pastors are typically quite relational, they are far more task-oriented than immigrant pastors. Let me share with you four statements from actual pastors I’ve talked to.

Why so many forms? An Ethiopian pastor asked me this question. He wanted to move his congregation to a new location. He had not yet met the pastor of the church whose facility he was considering. That pastor had emailed him several forms to complete. Some were about doctrinal compatibility, and others were about mission and vision. The documents included corporate language that the Ethiopian pastor found bewildering.

What was that pastor’s name, again? This question was asked by the American pastor who emailed all the forms to the Ethiopian pastor. I had worshipped at his church the previous week. I found the church to be gregarious and mission-minded. It was also very type-A and task centered. The visionary lead pastor found time in his schedule to meet me for coffee. As I shared some distinctives of Ethiopian culture, the pastor asked me to remind him the name of the Ethiopian pastor and his church.

In most global cultures, this is a fatal flaw. Relationship always precedes business (or ministry). Tacos (or sushi or whatever) always come before organizational alignment. Most American pastors are quite busy and have multiple responsibilities. Managing the partnership with an immigrant congregation is one more task on their to-do list. These pastors aren’t crass in managing their partnerships, but they usually aren’t especially relational either. At least not by global standards, as the next quote reveals.

Not one American pastor treated us with genuine friendship and hospitality.  This statement was made by an African ministry leader in England. He knew several African pastors who had lived in the States for some time, and were now living in the UK. As they shared stories of their years in the US, not one of them felt their American partners treated them with genuine hospitality. I don’t know the American pastors involved. Some of them might quickly plead guilty, while others might be shocked by the statement. The fourth quote will explain why.

If I can’t drop by your home freely at any time, even 9:00 or 10:00 PM, we aren’t really friends. A Latino pastor made this statement. I said nothing in response. But if you could read the invisible thought balloon over my head, it would have read, “If that’s true, not only do I not have any friends, but none of my friends have any friends.” Plenty of Anglos have alarm clocks that go off at 5:30 AM. They don’t socialize or even answer their phones after a certain hour.

This underscores that much of friendship is cultural. All of us define friendship in the way we experienced it in our developmental years, and expect that everyone else should share our definition. But they don’t.

Not only are relationships culturally defined, they are also generationally defined. The children of first-generation immigrants attend American public schools. They will learn one relational standard in their parents’ community, and another in the surrounding culture. They may freely codeswitch between the two systems. But they may struggle to define what they desire from genuine friendship.

The ways we communicate are changing. Baby Boomers grew up calling one another unannounced. Gen Z chafes at anyone who calls them without texting first to receive permission to call. Older generations may place much higher value on face-to-face conversations and handwritten notes than their children and grandchildren. The rules of communication and socialization are constantly changing. None of us can say that we have the authoritative standard of relationships by which all others should be judged.

So what do we do? American and immigrant believers clearly experience disappointment with each other’s standards of relationship building. It’s inappropriate for each side to say to the other, “You should do it our way!”

I discuss relationship building between American and immigrant pastors at length in my book The Cross-Cultural Partnership Survival Guide. For now, let me bullet-point a few suggestions:

• Start with relationship, not ministry. Have tacos before discussing theological alignment. Attend each other’s worship services before discussing missional alignment. Ask yourself, “Do I like these people?”
• Ask about your potential partner’s homeland, family, and more. Have a few well-crafted questions to draw out their stories. Express genuine interest in their personal lives.
• Make monthly meetings with your cross-cultural partners a priority. And don’t just discuss church; share about your personal and family lives.
• Accept that different expectations regarding friendship are an inherent part of cross-cultural relationships. Everyone will be disappointed to some extent. Learn to love one another, even when friendship doesn’t mean in your current setting what it meant in your childhood.