Cross-Cultural Parenting 101
Episode 2
[00:00:00] Hi everybody, Pastor John Yoder here. I am so glad you've come back for episode two. The fact that you came back says a lot about you. It says you're willing to learn. It says you're willing to see things from a different perspective. Your kids are going to respect you just because you're trying. Those parents who insist on everything happening according to their way and their standards are the ones who struggle to earn their children's respect and trust. [00:00:29] Your children are going to respect and honor you simply because you're making an effort to see things through a different lens.
You already know that your children think very differently than you do, and you may be asking yourself, Why? Well, as we start, I want to tell you a story. Now, it's a story about Chinese and Americans. [00:00:49] I know that best because I lived in China for 13 years. But, whether you're from various parts of Asia, Africa, Middle East, other parts of the world, you are going to see [00:01:00] your culture reflected in this story.
One time, I was in a drama where they were acting out Daniel in the Lion's Den. They were looking for volunteers to play the part of the angel and the lion and Daniel and the narrator. [00:01:15] And the facilitator said, who wants to volunteer to take a role? And the Americans all shot their hands up. “I'll be Daniel!” “I'll be a lion”. “I'll be the narrator”. Until halfway through, almost all the parts were taken. And they realized that no Chinese people had taken any parts yet. So they had to start saying, “Wang, why don't you be an angel?” and “Yang, why don't you be something else?”
I've been in other settings in small group discussions where half the room were American and half were Chinese. The well-intentioned American small group leader says “Everyone can freely share”, and the Americans do all the talking. And they encourage the Chinese to speak up. And they don't. Then [00:02:00] the Americans walk out of the room. And the Chinese won't stop talking, even if it's in English. And the Americans can't figure out why.
Let me tell you why. What's happening here is that everybody is doing exactly what their first grade teacher told them to do.
If you go to an American first grade class, the teacher's job is to help the students learn to speak up. [00:02:27] That teacher will say, “I don't care if you're a boy or a girl, I don't care what color you are, how much money you have, every one of you has an opinion that needs to be heard, you need to speak up, all of us need to hear from you”. And by the time those students are in high school, they're taking public speaking classes, they're taking drama, they're taking debate, and they're learning various different ways to speak up.
[00:02:54] The Chinese first grade class is very, very different. In that classroom, the teacher [00:03:00] says, “Sit down, be quiet, don't move, take notes, write down what the teacher says the teacher is always right. The one who memorizes the most things that the teacher says and can repeat them on a test gets to go to a famous university and then make a really good salary.”
[00:03:22] Through high school, you do not learn public speaking and debate and drama. You simply memorize more and more things so that you can repeat them on a test to go to a famous college to earn a good income.
The American students are told, “Of course you're going to make mistakes along the way. Everybody does. [00:03:43] It's how we learn. So just keep speaking, keep trying, and gradually you'll make less mistakes”.
The Chinese students are told, “Don't make mistakes, don't say anything unless you know the correct answer. If you say something and it's not the correct answer, you will look bad”.
[00:04:00] So what happens when those two groups come together for a small group discussion? [00:04:05] Well, you've probably already figured it out. Both groups do exactly what their first grade teacher taught them to do.
Now that's a story about China. And I know that the same thing is true in India, and South Korea, and other parts of Asia. But I think that many of you from various parts of the world will say, “John, you nailed us. [00:04:27] That is exactly what our country is like”.
Right now, I'm going to give you an exercise to help you understand why your children think differently than you do. I'm going to ask you to compare your high school with the one that your kids or your grandkids attend. Even if you're like me, an American whose ancestors have been here for generations, you're going to learn a lot through this exercise.
[00:04:55] I'm going to ask you a series of questions about high school. And I would [00:05:00] like you to answer these questions from two perspectives. First of all, from the perspective of the high school that you attended when you were a young person. And secondly, from the high school that your children attend. I'll ask them slowly, giving you a little pause between each one.
[00:05:19] But if you want to hit the pause button for a moment between each one to ponder and reflect, that's perfectly okay. Here are the questions.
• What did your classmates study, wear and eat?
• What language did you primarily speak?
• How did you get to and from school?
• What ethnic groups were in your class?
• How much did you use computers or cell phones?
• How much time did you spend on social media?
• How often did your classmates see online pornography?
• Did pretty much everyone in your school agree that there is a simple and unchangeable difference between boys and girls?
• How many of your classmates told you that they were gay or transgender?
• How much time did you spend playing outside in unstructured activities?
• How much pressure did you face to compete with others to enroll in a good college?
• How many of your classmates expressed that they had issues with depression or with anxiety?
I realize that's a long list, and maybe you want to go back and go through that list again, but let me just ask you quickly. What overall did you learn? [00:06:55] Is your high school and your kids high school mostly alike [00:07:00] or mostly different? For some of you, are they completely different?
Does this exercise help you understand why your children think differently than you do? And, does it help you understand why your kid's faith has to address issues and circumstances that you have never had to address?
[00:07:27] Friends, I don't say any of this to shame you. You have full time jobs. You do not have time to keep up with everything that's happening in your kids schools or in their online worlds. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
But, if you are going to meaningfully connect your children with Christ and with your moral values, You're going to have to get help from somebody who understands them, thinks like them, and can address those [00:08:00] issues from their perspective.
[00:08:02] For those of us who are older Americans like myself, and for those of you who have come to the U. S. from other countries, the way that we can do that is to learn from other young adults who attended the high schools that your kids attend and still grew up to follow Jesus Christ and to follow your moral principles.
[00:08:27] They are the kind of role models your kids can look up to. Your kids aren't looking up to somebody who grew up in Santiago or Beijing or Moscow. They need somebody that they can identify as a role model that grew up in their world because those are the young people that address the specific spiritual needs your children face.
[00:08:53] So we started out by understanding how your children think. Now let's talk about how [00:09:00] your children learn. In the first activity, I asked you to compare your high school and your children's high school. Now let me ask you to compare the ways you prefer to learn with the ways your kids prefer to learn. [00:09:15] All of us are more likely to pay attention and to retain what we hear if it comes in ways we prefer to learn it. Here are the ways that today's younger generations learn best.
First of all, they prefer audio and video over text. When you find young people relaxing today, ask yourself, what is it they have in their hand?
[00:09:40] Is it a book or a phone? Well, you already know the answer, don't you? They're all going to have phones in their hand because they're hardwired to look at screens. If you give them a book on any subject, they'll smile, put the book on the shelf, but it's not likely that they'll ever read it. [00:10:00] It's more likely that they will pay attention if there's a video, if there's a podcast, or if there is a short blog that they can read.
[00:10:09] Number two. Short segments. Today's young people have shorter attention spans than older generations. Longer sermons are going to lose their attention quickly. We've noticed with the videos that we post online, that about half of people will listen to the first three minutes, and then drop off.
Several years ago, Sherry and I held a marriage retreat for 11 pastoral couples in Vietnam. [00:10:39] One of the exercises was to listen to your spouse talk for five minutes, and then restate for them what they just said. At the end of that exercise, a pastor said to me, “John, I have new compassion for my people. I preach for 90 minutes, I [00:11:00] make them listen for 90 minutes, and I struggle to listen to my wife talk for 5 minutes”. [00:11:07] So please understand, your children are only wired to listen for so long. Please keep your message short.
Number three, they prefer stories over concepts. Young people today are more likely to understand an abstract concept if it comes inside a story. Jesus was brilliant at this. He told parables, really simple stories that taught profound truths. [00:11:36] We've adapted this in our Cross Cultural Voices podcast by using fictional narratives to draw out concepts from authors books.
Number four. They prefer dialogue over lectures. Today's young people have often said, “I've heard enough sermons, I've heard enough lectures, I'm not looking for somebody to [00:12:00] talk at me. I'm looking for somebody where I can ask questions, where I can share my doubts, where I can ask what it is that you actually do in your everyday life to apply these principles”.
[00:12:15] When we're open, when we talk about these things, when we share our own personal struggles and not just our expertise, it makes it far more likely that they are going to pay attention. Some of you can listen in and say, “Okay, John, Reverend Yoder, I hear you. I agree. My kids think differently than me. My kids learn differently than me, but what am I supposed to do?”
[00:12:43] Because if you come from a system where you're used to teachers giving lecture, you assume that your job as a parent is to give advice, and your children will take that as nagging. We created our other podcast series, Cross Cultural Voices for your children, and the reason why they're likely to like it is that it’s a podcast.
[00:13:10] It's short. It's all English. The presenters are a diverse young team of men and women, different ethnicities, different denominations, and they address the issues that your kids face every day: identity, mental health, race, gender, more, from a biblical perspective.
So I'd like to ask you to encourage your adult kids to listen in, but I want you to listen in too, so that you know what you're hearing and you can discuss it with them. [00:13:44] Now, when you hear that episode, instead of saying, “Oh, I have more things that I want to add, I have more lecture to give”. I'd like to encourage you instead to instead to ask questions to draw out your adult children's opinions.
Let me suggest three [00:14:00] questions you can ask.
• Number one, what stood out to you in this week's episode?
• Number two, did this raise any questions for you, anything you'd like to ask about?
• And number three, was there anything particular in this episode that you agreed with or maybe disagreed with?
By asking questions, you will show your kids that you care and you value their opinions.
Now, just a warning up front. [00:14:31] It may take time for you to earn their trust. They may be used to you just giving lectures and telling them what to do. They may need a little time to understand that you're really sincere, because they are not used to you doing this. But if you hang in there and persevere over time, your children will really value that you are listening to them and want to hear their perspective.
[00:14:57] If you haven't done it yet, I'd like to encourage [00:15:00] you to request our free guidebook, Five Steps to Influence Your Adult Children for Christ. When you do that, you will have my email address and I would love to hear from you. I'd love to hear your questions, thoughts, feedback, and your needs. Next time we are going to talk about four of the most important issues that your kids face on a regular basis.
[00:15:23] They are identity, mental health, race, and gender. A lot of churches are nervous to even bring these issues up. A lot of parents don't want to talk about it, and we want to give you tools to help everybody move towards a greater biblical understanding of these issues. I'll talk to you then.
