Guiding Your Family Toward Emotional Health
Episode 7, Eight Simple Habits to Overcome Depression transcript
Dasha Cochran: [00:00:00] What is happening with me when I can't focus? Why is it that I wake up every morning anxious? Why is that I got an A in class today, but I'm still feeling sad? What does that mean?
John Yoder: Greetings everybody. Pastor John Yoder here. Welcome back to episode seven of our series, “Guiding Your Family towards Emotional Health”. Today's episode is called “Eight Simple Habits to Overcome Depression”. When I say simple, what I mean is that any elementary school child can learn these eight habits, that any parent of an elementary school child can teach them, and that both parents and children will benefit from them. It will increase your emotional health and also your physical, your relational, and your spiritual health.
If you're listening in for the first time, this series is based on a number of interviews with Christian counselors of various ethnic [00:01:00] backgrounds. Some are licensed psychologists, some are pastors and church-based counselors. They are all committed to the word of God as truth and to emotional health.
Three of the voices that we will hear from today have introduced themselves to you in previous episodes. The one that you heard in the opening clip, and the one that we will listen to the most today, is Dr. Dasha Cochran, a Russian American who practices in the Bay Area. We'll also hear from Dr. Ajab Amin, a Cameroonian American from the Philadelphia area, and from Gisella Arias, a Costa Rican from right here in the Minneapolis area.
In addition to these three counselors that you've already met, today we have a fourth one to introduce to you. Her name is Monica Vang. She's a bit younger than the rest and doesn't have the same breadth of experience, but she is not that far removed from high school. She's constantly working with students from high school and has a very strong sense of what is happening with students in [00:02:00] our schools today. Let's let Monica introduce herself.
Monica Vang: So my name's Monica Vang. I'm born here actually in Madison, Wisconsin. My parents, they are refugees from Laos and I moved up here to St. Paul to provide an education for myself but also to get out into the big cities. I started pursuing psychology right away. I'm working with children, adolescents, families, and adults. My specialty is mainly anxiety, depression, and trauma.
I graduated with my Master's two years ago. I am a pre-licensed psychotherapist, so I'm working towards completing my license requirements. I've been working as a psychotherapist for about two years now.
John Yoder: Before we move into our [00:03:00] discussion of the eight habits to overcome depression, we want to spend a few moments talking about why it is that this generation is experiencing such high levels of depression and even suicide. A lot of ideas are tossed out there. All of them have some validity. I will let you listen in and decide how much each of them apply to your world.
One idea is social isolation, that we spend more time engaging with people on screens than face-to-face, where we can have body language and tone of voice, where we can shake hands, where we can hug, and where it moves the relationship to the next level.
Another cause is the lack of a clear moral authority as a society. Now, in previous generations, parents and pastors told young people that the Bible was the word of God and it was the standard. Of course, there were always competing voices, but today with the onset of the internet and the search engine, the number of [00:04:00] self-professed authorities is more and more. They are more quickly and easily available. And as a result, as a society, we do not have an agreement on a single source of moral truth.
A related issue is the complexity of our identity. Our identity is the answer to the question, Who am I? Now, all young people answer the question, Who am I? Especially as they go through puberty.
But for other generations it was much simpler. So for those of you who are older Americans, or for those of you who have moved to the US from around the world, when we went to school, nobody had to ask the question, Which ones are the girls and which ones are the boys? No one had to learn anyone's pronouns. It was all very obvious.
Today, there are multiple options presented of what your gender might be today, what it might become tomorrow, and what pronouns you might use to express it. The more complex our [00:05:00] identities become, the more anxiety, stress, and depression it can create.
Another possibility that's thrown out there, and this one is usually seen as not correct, is that today's young people face greater external stressors than other generations.
Those of you who have come to the US from other countries can tell us stories about being in a refugee camp or escaping a civil war, or what it was like to be under drug lords or Sharia Law, or the Communist Party. Those of you who have had these experiences believe that your children have a much easier life than you had. For older generations of Americans, they went through World War I, the Great Depression and World War II without the levels of depression and suicide that today's young people are facing.
Let's remind ourselves what Dasha said in our last session about the lack of external stressors.
Dasha Cochran: I think one of the [00:06:00] factors that drives anxiety is, interestingly, lack of adversity or very little adversity in the individual's lives. I noticed that the more adversity the individual has experienced, actually the less anxiety they're likely to have. Because they build up the capacity to overcome scary, difficult things as they go through life. Most of us who come from other countries have experience probably much more adversity than let's say our children. And something that feels really scary to them, feels a not so scary to us because we've seen it worse.
John Yoder: Another potential reason why the conversation about depression has become so widespread is self-diagnosis. Today's students in middle school have more vocabulary to talk about mental illness and mental health than previous generations. And they know the classic terms like anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD. They learn all the new terms like body dysmorphia, gender dysmorphia, and a whole lot more.
The good news about this is that it allows people who have genuine problems to bring them out into the open for discussion. The bad news is as this conversation becomes more widespread, it’s easier for young people to be cool, to find their unique identity, by self-diagnosing as having anxiety, depression, or something else. Here's what Dasha has to say.
Dasha Cochran: I actually really admire teens for their self-awareness. That's why I love working with teens. I absolutely do. Because they walk in through the door and they might be 13, 14, they already speak my language. I don't have to explain a lot of things to them. So the awareness part is actually something we can learn from them and we should learn from them.
Like being self-aware. Being able to look inside and see, [00:08:00] hold a minute, what is happening with me when I can't focus? Why is it that I wake up every morning anxious? Why is that I got an A in class today, but I'm still feeling sad? What does that mean? So that aspect I think is amazing and we really need to nurture it. Spiritual leaders, family leaders, mental health professionals.
At the same time, there's definitely a misunderstanding about the purpose of diagnosis, so I want to specifically speak to that. First of all, diagnosis are for clinicians. And the purpose of the diagnostic category is to find the appropriate treatment. That's it. There's no other purpose. As soon as the appropriate treatment has been found, there is no point to diagnosis.
This is one of the big temptations of our time, is that we're confused about our identity in so many different ways. And we seek identity, we seek to identify ourselves through products we use, through disorders. What I try to tell my teen clients, especially in young adults, is that who you are is actually so multifaceted, that if you pigeonhole yourself into just one category, I'm an Apple user, or I'm gender dysphoric, or I have ADHD, and that becomes your identity, then you are always gonna miss out on the rest of you.
And our identities develop as we mature. And so what I try to invite them into and myself included, is to see a broader picture. And if this person is a Christian, I would say, listen, think about it. We are created in the image of God. Think about God. God has so many different qualities, and we are created in his image. What qualities of God do you see in yourself? Maybe you're curious, maybe you're kind, maybe you're empathetic, maybe you are brave. Let's focus on that and let's see where that takes you.
I have had some cases where a teen came in with either gender dysphoria or some questions around sexuality. But as we shifted the sort of a discussion right from the labels to more of a substance of who they are, those conversations shifted too.
John Yoder: One of the most important questions about depression, whether it's for yourself or for a family member, is whether it's common every day, depression or whether it requires therapy. Let's listen to Dasha again.
Dasha Cochran: Situational depression, which is very normal, has a present trigger. Something happened, they got in a fight, or they got a bad grade, or somebody yelled at them or they lost their pet. And they experienced deep sadness. So that's a normal depressive reaction.
However, if a person experiences deep sadness [00:11:00] even on what's considered a good day, when everything is good and I just feel sad, that is considered depression. And of course it has to be present for an extended period of time, for at least that two weeks, clinically speaking, for that to be even considered a major depressive episode.
And honestly, there's also a big component in the physical realm. For example, decreased appetite, decreased attention, loss of pleasure, inability to sustain regular activities like, get up in the morning, get dressed, brush your teeth. So it also has like energy and functioning component to it.
I would say, if you really took the time to listen and you said, Honey, I noticed you haven't been eating well. I notice you're sad, you haven't been playing with a dog or, reading your favorite book. What is happening? I'm just a little concerned about you. I just wanna know, what do you think is happening?
Chances are, if we really give it [00:12:00] time and we don't jump into solutions right away, they're gonna tell us. They're so open-hearted. I love working with teens, very open hearted, and then you get a chance to say, oh gosh, like that was hard. Okay, let's think about, what can I do to help you? How can I support you in this situation? Let them give you some ideas and solutions. And nine out of ten times, this will take care of business.
But if you have gotten to the point where you are listening, but your child is not responsive, for example, they just log themselves in their room and they're not responsive to your listening, or if you've gotten to the point where you've been having these conversations, but you don't see any sustainable change, I would say like between two weeks and maybe a month, if that's been going on not very long, I would definitely at least consult with somebody and then let them decide do they need therapy or not.
John Yoder: With all [00:13:00] of that said, let's transition to talk about our eight simple habits to overcome depression. Again, by simple we mean that a sixth grader can understand them. But like diet and exercise, it might be simple to understand, but difficult to do. The more of these that you put into practice, the better off everyone in your family will be. And the first of the eight habits is reflective listening. Here's what Monica has to say.
Monica Vang: How can we actively listen? The word active means like you are genuinely listening not to respond, but you are trying to empathetically consume the information and try to understand it from, the child's perspective or the other person's perspective. That allows for vulnerability to be open. So the child can be vulnerable and open up to the parent, but it also allows for [00:14:00] stronger connection within the relationship.
So if a parent can actively listen to the child without putting in their two cents and trying to push their agenda as parents, then most likely the child will do the same. The child would also want to actively listen. Mom, dad, why? I'm hearing that this is really important to you. I now, I wanna listen because you're listening to me.
John Yoder: The biggest barrier that I see to reflective listening from those who are from non-Western cultures is that listening is not a valued skill in their culture. In my years in China, and experience with other cultures as well, is that a great teacher is someone who lectures, not somebody who interacts with students. And the purpose of a parent is to lecture, to give direction, to tell children what to do, and not to listen to them. Dasha from a Russian perspective shares with us how [00:15:00] we can help parents value the skill of listening.
Dasha Cochran: When you are in a tough spot, what actually do you like? Do you like somebody to lecture you? Or to throw Bible verses at you, or do you appreciate when you're being listened to?
John Yoder: The second habit that we have that can help us overcome depression is to set daily routines. Here's a story from Gisella.
Gisella Arias: Establish healthy routines. I remember one of my clients, she was referred to me because she was a very good student all her life. She started being very disconnected and discouraged. She had a very support system. Her support system was perfect, but she started feeling discouraged. So her mom looked for help.
The only thing I did in the six months that I worked with her was just to fix the bed [00:16:00] every time, every morning before she left the home. And that changed the whole thing. We created a system that she, even if she went to vacations in the hotel, she did not allow herself to leave the room without fixing the bed. And that exercise changed everything inside of her.
John Yoder: Ajab shares a third habit with us, and it is simply getting outside and getting sunlight.
Ajab Amin: Yeah, getting outside, getting sunlight. There's sun therapy, it definitely works. I know for the winter it can be hard on people. There are these sun lamps that people buy that they can use during the winter just to help brighten up their rooms.
John Yoder: Ajab shares a fourth and related habit, which is exercise.
Ajab Amin: And then exercise. Exercise is a huge, just exercise alone is therapy.
John Yoder: A fifth [00:17:00] habit is healthy relationships. Now we will dedicate our entire 10th episode to the idea of helping kids build healthy relationships. But for right now, Ajab lists it as one of the ways to help us overcome depression.
Ajab Amin: Having meaningful connections, we are wired to connect. So that in itself is healing where you can connect with someone or even just talk with someone about what's going on with you as well.
John Yoder: A sixth habit is hobbies. Often depressed people are completely focused on the thing that makes them depressed and don't put focus anywhere else. Having another area of life where we enjoy participating helps us overcome that cycle of depression.
Ajab Amin: And then also just engaging in your hobbies. Like if there are things that you enjoy to do, you enjoy doing, keep doing them or find ways to do them. 'cause that definitely would give a boost. [00:18:00]
John Yoder: A seventh habit is to be consistent in your patterns of sleeping and eating. Ajab continues.
Ajab Amin: And then just thinking about your basic needs like food, sleep, are you getting enough sleep? Which is like seven to nine hours. Or are you eating regularly or are you skipping your meals? Or do you find yourself emotionally eating even just being able to like, watch watch how you're eating and what you're eating too. Because food does affect us emotionally.
John Yoder: The eighth and final habit is to look to God regularly in prayer, in thanksgiving, in his Word. This is by far the most important of the eight, but we are listing at last because many Christians tend to go straight to the Word, straight to prayer without thinking about sunlight and exercise and food and all the rest. Here's what Monica has to say.
Monica Vang: Christian [00:19:00] faith is extremely helpful. Because especially with depression, there's a sense of hopelessness and not wanting to live sometimes, or losing interest in things that they used to enjoy. So prayer, or going to church or youth night, those kind of things. It can help relieve those symptoms of depression already and help them find a sense of hope and purpose. Especially in moments where they feel they might not have any control or that things are not going well.
But also it can provide a sense of security and knowing that, hey, if you're having this fear, God is here. God is stronger, God is all powerful. And so it doesn't mean that it's a cure all, but it provides some level of relief. I am taken care, of and that whatever I'm [00:20:00] facing, God is here with me, and he's going to protect me. And even if the bad thing still happens, I'm still protected. So that's why it's so important to have such a strong faith in God, and it actually does help decrease anxiety and depression symptoms. So spirituality is extremely helpful.
John Yoder: Ajab shares with us why the Psalms can be particularly helpful to Christians struggling with depression.
Ajab Amin: And then I'll say for Christians too, the Psalms are really good to connect with when, especially just emotionally. So there are lots of Psalms of people depressed, just talking about and lamenting about their feelings. And so even just finding passages that you can connect with emotionally that can be helpful just to see someone else crying out to God and how you're doing it. That those are good examples for us and can [00:21:00] help us. Maybe write your own Psalms.
John Yoder: So friends, that brings us to the end of our conversation for today. There's a lot more to say about depression. There's a lot more to say about each of the subjects that we cover. Our purpose in this series is not to be comprehensive. It is to give you a 101 overview of each subject, to see if this is something you need to address in your family.
If you would like to dive into this issue of depression or any other beyond what you hear here, let me refer you to our website, www.immigrantministry.com/nationwide, where we have resources for immigrants dealing with mental health, financial resources, spiritual health, and much more.
If you would like to do more than simply listen in to the pastors and counselors we have in this series. I invite you to join our Facebook group. It's called Cross-Cultural Parenting. Some of the [00:22:00] counselors you heard on this episode will be there. I will be there, others will be there, and we would love to hear any questions that you have.
Next time we are going to talk about the subject of social media, something that few of us can live without. We're going to talk about what's good about it, what's difficult about it, and we are going to talk about systems and strategies to make social media beneficial for every member of your family. I'll see you then.
