Guiding Your Family toward Emotional Health
Episode 9: Warding Off Online Predators, Bullies, and other Bad Actors
Dasha Cochran: Just say, Hey, what is happening? Because behind those closed doors, if they tell you it's none of your business and stuff, you can say, you know what, can I make a guess? I think you are addicted to pornography. I think you're watching pornography. And chances are like kids, like they don't wanna hold these secrets.
Like those secrets are heavy, and oftentimes when you call it out, they'll burst into tears, and be they know that they are burdened by it. Right?
John Yoder: Greetings everybody, Pastor John Yoder here. Welcome back to our series, “Guiding Your Family Towards Emotional Health”. Today's episode is entitled, “Warding Off Online Predators, Bullies, and other Bad Actors.
And we are going to talk about five specific areas where young people often get into trouble online. And those five areas are predators, sexting, body issues, [00:01:00] cyber bullying, and pornography. This series is a 101 overview of mental health issues. Just due to time limitations, there are very important areas we're not able to cover, such as video games, chemical addiction, and suicide.
If you would like to learn more about those things, let me recommend that you visit our website, www.immigrantministry.com/ccp. CCP as in cross-cultural parenting. At the bottom of the page, you will find a link to nationwide resources for mental health and other issues, and they include links to counselors in all parts of the country. Some of them are online and some have resources specific to Latino, Asian, and African audiences.
On that same page, you'll find a link to join our Facebook group, Cross-Cultural Parenting, where you can not only listen to counselors and pastors, but you can engage with them about your questions. You'll also [00:02:00] find a link to subscribe to this podcast. We will also send you a free copy of our guidebook, “Increasing Your Spiritual Influence with Your Multicultural Adult Children”. Again, the link is www.immigrantministry.com/ccp.
The three counselors we have for today's episode, you have heard before, Monica Vang is a second generation Hmong American here in the state of Minnesota. Jacqueline Craig is a second generation Mexican American in the city of Dallas. And Dasha Cochrane is a first generation Russian American in the Bay Area. Right now, Monica is going to describe for us sexual predators.
Monica Vang: So many predators. I think most of them are typically adults wanting to prey on little kids or [00:03:00] teenagers. They are typically predators, who maybe they are wanting to engage in sexual activity or content with younger minors, but they might have, their own concerns of maybe social anxiety, or they know that it's wrong, right? So they might do it through gaming. They might lie about their age and say that they're little kids.
They might do it through marketing through, I'll give you a job if you do this right. They might do it through other social ways, right? Through Facebook or TikTok or Snapchat and say, I wanna be your friend, or, I wanna follow you. And then they might use those as forms to get to know you, build rapport with you, groom you, and then you build a connection with them and you feel obligated to give [00:04:00] them something. So there are so many predators out there who are just seeking for your vulnerability.
John Yoder: I asked Monica, what exactly is sexting?
Monica Vang: Sexting is messaging through text message. Nowadays with social media, there's so much more than text, but it's messaging through technology, text, texting, for example. Sexual content. So that could be words. That could be emojis nowadays, maybe, and it could be images or videos.
John Yoder: I asked Monica, what are common ages when young people are involved in sexting?
Monica Vang: What I'm hearing when what I'm seeing also is around adolescent age, around maybe even 10 to 12, right? But also not all the times is it that they're being asked, sometimes they are trying to fit into a social norm, so they think that, oh, this is what I'm meant to do at this [00:05:00] age where everybody is doing it, so might as well do it.
John Yoder: Next up, Monica describes for us, issues with body image.
Monica Vang: Body image issues is when a person is having difficulty with how their body looks right now, but with body image issues, right? That can lead into eating disorders. Whether that's anorexia nervosa, which is obsessing over weight loss, right? Whether that's through starving yourself or fasting or excessive exercise, but also bulimia where people are constantly like binge eating, but then they purge and they are trying to remove that food excess. So many more, right?
So it can cause body image issues, can cause a lot of concern in a person's physical, but also mental wellbeing, right? So you can only imagine if a person is purging themselves after binge eating or starving themselves. [00:06:00] Their body is not functioning well, right? Which then impacts their energy level, their productivity, their relationships.
It's so much more just because they're having concerns with how their body looks. They don't agree with it and they don't like it. They wanna change it, so they try to take control, but it's not in a healthy way. Social media can really detriment body image issues because of photo editing.
Let's take Instagram for example. There's a lot of filters or people can edit themselves to look a certain way. And so people who are just scrolling through can see that is reality. This is realistic, this body is capable of getting to, if I just do what they did. Or if I just drank what they drank or ate, what, how they ate, then I'm [00:07:00] gonna get the body that they have. But we don't know through social media if that is a hundred percent accurate or not.
John Yoder: I asked Jacqueline if she would share with us about cyber bullying.
Jacqueline Crake: Cyber bullying is any kind of bullying that happens online. And any typically I think what the way that I have seen it in clients of mine or people that I work with is they will post something and then they'll get some negative comments of people making fun of the way that they look or the way that they talk or what they've posted.
That can also happen through direct messages. They may get messages from people they know or don't know saying insulting things or even just like I know that there are people that will bully by posting things about other people. So really [00:08:00] any type of unkind messages, insulting messages directed at a person that is online is what cyber bullying is.
The thing about cyber bullying is that it's always there. It's on the internet. And so while if I get bullied on the playground or in the cafeteria at school that happened there and it stays there, obviously it's, it has ramifications and it maybe stays in my memory of oh, this girl said this to me, or this boy said this to me. But if it's online, it's always there. I can go back to the post and see it. I can or nowadays I feel like student, even if you take it down, people have screenshots of it and they get reposted and so I think that's why it's hard. It doesn't go away. It sticks around.
John Yoder: Next Jacqueline shares with us that the external [00:09:00] event of someone bullying us can lead to the internal event of us believing those narratives to be true about ourselves.
Jacqueline Crake: We see a lot of internalization. So they will either begin to, or they won't tell anyone that's happening. And then they'll internalize and start to believe those things. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am these things. I don't, I think that there are some times where they fight back, and I think that is just creates this ongoing cycle of bullying.
But typically in, in bullying, there's a victim, maybe someone who's not as quote unquote cool. Someone who's vulnerable, someone who has that vulnerability piece to their personality or physical [00:10:00] body. It becomes then easier, I say in quotes for someone else to come and bully.
And typically this is going off a little bit, but a bully doesn't always start off as a bully, right? There's typically a story there where they, maybe they have been bullied and so they feel, oh, now I have to put this on someone else.
John Yoder: Next Jacqueline points us to a very helpful way to deal with cyber bullying by affirming the image of God, which he has placed inside each one of us as individuals.
Jacqueline Crake: I think it can be really easy to say, oh, they don't know what they're talking about. You're beautiful. That's like throwing a Band-Aid on it. But if we teach our kids from the get go, the importance of finding our identity in Christ, and even just discipling them on the way that God made us, God created us.
And in Genesis in the creation account, he creates man and woman, and he says they are [00:11:00] very good. And God created humans and he delights in his creation. You quoted earlier, Psalm 139, he made us, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And so thinking about it and from that perspective of the God of the universe who is in charge of everything, who is a sovereign, who created all things, said that you are good.
That is a good kind of home base to, I think, start to integrate really just discipleship of teaching them what creation looks like, teaching them who God says they are. And then ideally, we want our kids to trust and follow. Jesus. And so while God created your bodies and your minds, and when he created us, he said we were good.
We fell. And there is there is a reality of sin. And so as much as we try to [00:12:00] be good, we fail, we fall short. And so we need Christ to to give us access to God. And so I think it's this idea of parents, I need this reminder every day to remember God. I don't want the gospel to just be one thing that I learn and then move on from. I need the gospel to shape me every day.
And so I think if our parents do that in reminding their kids of the gospel. Yeah. You are imperfect. Maybe you're not the prettiest girl in the classroom. But you are valuable. You are known, you are seen because of what Christ did for you on the cross. And you are seen as good because of your good creator.
So I think just this kind of like mentality of, okay, I'm gonna desire other people's approval, and [00:13:00] it hurts when someone says something unkind to you. Or reminding them of what's true in God's Word.
I think is that a good point as well on top of affirming that, Hey that's hurtful. I think starting there before we get to the what I just said is really validating for our teenagers right now. It’s saying I understand that is hurtful, that was unkind. It's not supposed to be this way. And I think that conversation can lead to gospel centered conversations.
John Yoder: The final issue that we want to deal with in this episode is the issue of pornography. And I opened the discussion by asking Dasha at what age parents should begin the conversation about porn, because the last survey I read said that the average age of first exposure for any child is the age of eight.
I understand that many parents, especially those [00:14:00] from non-Western cultures, are very hesitant to talk to their kids about sex. I've heard church leaders say that church is not a place where they are comfortable discussing sexuality. And others say that we should wait until our kids hit puberty. But I guarantee you, if you wait until your children turn 13 years of age to begin the discussion of sexuality, they will have already learned a lot from their friends, their classmates, and school.
And again, I guarantee you, if Christian parents and churches do not teach their children about this, the world will. But you do not need to address this issue alone. There are directories of Christian counselors on our website, possibly in your area who can assist you in this process of understanding and responding to pornography. Let's listen to what Dasha has to say.
Dasha Cochran: In the way I raise my children, I assume they're gonna be exposed to [00:15:00] pornography because I just know they will. It's just a matter of time. As we a transition into, early puberty, I would say like late early elementary school, early middle school, these are great times to start the conversation about sexuality.
And I would actually not isolate pornography from just the more general conversation about what is love, what it feels like to have a partner. Why did God wire us for sexuality, and what does that mean? I feel like if we frame it in a bigger picture about what sex is for, then the conversations about pornography are a lot easier to have because, then you can say sex is really for intimacy. It was designed between two people. To grow closer to each other. It's like glue that brings us together in a marriage, right?
Whether it's pornography, it's random people, and oftentimes it's not even real people, right? And it becomes not about intimacy and not about building a relationship, [00:16:00] right? But about a gratifying and urge that can grow into a full addictive behavior. So I would frame it in a bigger conversation.
We have to be vigilant because, the amount matters, just like with drugs. The amount matters. So I think we need to be checking their devices. We need to be setting filters. When they go in the sleepover check in and see how did it go? Did you guys have devices with you? Did you see or hear anything that was uncomfortable to you? Then you can also weave in the conversation about sexual abuse into that.
John Yoder: Often children are first exposed to pornography from classmates and their friends. So I asked Dasha, What is an appropriate response that a child should have when a circle of friends are passing around a phone showing pornography and making jokes about it?
Dasha Cochran: I ask them questions about what is happening there, right? Where is this pressure to engage in this behavior [00:17:00] come from? How does that make you feel? Do you actually feel good after looking at that? Do you feel good afterwards? Do you feel like it's enriching your life? I. Or is there something negative that you feel comes out of those things?
Because again, we as parents, we will not be able to control this, right? So ideally we wanna create an awareness to empower them, right? To make the kind of choices we would like for them to make. So I would say engage, ask questions, really understand what's happening, and then you can ask, honey, how can I support you?
John Yoder: Finally, I asked Dasha what a parent ought to do if they suspect their child has full-on pornography addiction. Say for instance, they spend all their time in their room by themselves with the door closed. Here's what she had to say.
Dasha Cochran: Just say, Hey, what is happening? Because behind those closed doors, if they tell you it's none of your business and stuff, you can say, you know what, can I make a guess? I think you are addicted to pornography. I think you're watching pornography. And [00:18:00] chances are like kids, like they don't wanna hold these secrets. Like those secrets are heavy, and oftentimes when you call it out gently, they'll burst into tears, and be they know that they are burdened by it.
And then again, bringing the, if you have the parent of the same gender, it's actually better for them to have those conversations because it's a little bit embarrassing with the opposite gender. But let's say it's a single mom and a son, it's still better for him to have this conversation with you than not to have it.
Just say. Okay, tell me more. What is difficult about it? When are you the most tempted? What are your triggers? Let's think about it. Okay, let's brainstorm. What can we do? What if we just keep your computer, we move your computer to the living room? What if we set up some filters? What do you think about that?
And so you take a collaborative approach, instead of harping down on them, yanking their devices and, now you might still have to remove the devices, but what I'm saying is that if you do it in the context of I, I am here to support you and walk through [00:19:00] the struggle with you, then it's different.
Also, treatment centers are out there for pornography addiction. They do great work. Seek them out. Don't be afraid of them. If it's really bad, if it is consuming their life and attention, then maybe they do need to go for an inpatient intervention.
John Yoder: Friends, this is the heaviest and the most serious episode in this entire series, but these are issues we need to deal with. And as I said earlier, we don't even have time in the series to talk about drugs, suicide, and other very important issues.
Let me recommend once again that you visit our website, www.immigrantministry.com/ccp. At the bottom of the page, you will see our nationwide directory of counseling and other resources. You'll also see the links to subscribe to our Facebook group and to subscribe to this podcast.
In these past two episodes, we've been talking about screens and social media. Next time we are going to flip the script. [00:20:00] Our title is “Raising Socially Savvy Kids”, We're going to talk about putting down those screens, looking each other in the eye and building quality, healthy face-to-face relationships. I'll talk to you then.
