Guiding Your Family toward Emotional Health, episode 10
Helping Your Children Build Healthy Relationships
Moses Saldivar: And so we know how the enemy likes to work, and he does it the same across cultures. But generally he will try to pull you out of community. Any type of community, doesn't matter, and he is gonna try to isolate you. And when you're isolated and you sit there in your thoughts and he starts just feeding you lies.
And so that's what these kids are growing up in, is they're being fed by the father of lies. Because of their isolation, not finding a sense of belonging.
John Yoder: Greetings everybody, Pastor John Yoder here. Welcome back to our series “Guiding Your Family towards Emotional Health”. In our last two episodes, our presenters focused on screens and social media. And they shared how those screens are indispensable to our lives, often to our jobs, but that we should not let them dominate our time or [00:01:00] dominate our relationships. And they closed last time by urging us to help children and parents alike focus on building quality face-to-face relationships. Our episode today focuses specifically on that issue.
All five of our presenters today are ones that you have heard in previous episodes, so I will not introduce them. I'll simply remind you of who they are. If you would like to know more about their biographies, just go back and listen to the other episodes in this series.
But the voices that you will hear today are Pastor Moses Saldivar, a second generation Mexican American; Christine Chow, a first generation Malaysian American; Monica, a second generation Hmong American; Dasha Cochran, a first generation Russian American; and Michelle Frauenshuh, a Caucasian American, who like myself spent several years in China. These five are either pastoral or professional [00:02:00] counselors.
If you would like to not just listen in, but actually engage with and ask questions of other parents and of counselors similar to the ones you hear here, let me encourage you to join our Facebook group, which is called simply “Cross-Cultural Parenting”.
Friends, we understand that it is much easier just to look at a screen, just to scroll through social media, than to actually speak with someone else. It is the path of least resistance. But it is one of the forces keeping us in isolation. Pastor Moses begins with an opening exhortation.
Moses Saldivar: In this globalized generation, while they seem and appear to be interconnected, their lives are really driven by the 30-second Snapchat or TikTok video. It's about presenting a certain image. And so those images of what is ideal is being projected to them regardless of [00:03:00] culture. And they feel like they're falling short repeatedly. So that's part of the reason why they're experiencing the things that they're experiencing.
Even though they maybe get to enjoy some more freedoms than parents did, or even different levels of affluency that their parents did, those things don't matter when you're essentially isolating yourself.
And that's what a lot of these children are doing, is they're isolating themselves. And so we know how the enemy likes to work, and he does it the same across cultures. But generally he will try to pull you out of community. Any type of community, doesn't matter, and he is gonna try to isolate you. And when you're isolated and you sit there in your thoughts, and he starts just feeding you lies. And so that's what these kids are growing up in, is they're being fed by the father of lies because of their isolation, not finding a sense of belonging.
John Yoder: Christine shares [00:04:00] with us two of the major barriers to building healthy relationships. The first is that America is a highly individualistic society, and the second is that families tend to frequently move.
Christine Chow: If we're talking about America, I feel like, it has become more and more individualistic in its cultural trajectory. And so that has led to a bigger breakdown of relationships. And it's not just a cultural individualism that's at play. But people, when the younger generation move a lot they don't stay in the same region where they grew up, and so relationships are more transient and that makes it really hard to have long lasting, long term relationships. But relationships take time to grow. And trust takes time to grow.
So that, so when you, let's say you have immigrant cultures coming here that are more communal, they are thrown into a more individualistic environment. [00:05:00] And it's so much more painful for them, because they used to have close relationships at home and now they don't. And so it feels lonelier.
John Yoder: Based on this, Christine shares with us why parents need to take the lead in helping their children build healthy face-to-face relationships.
Christine Chow: They need space to, to experience authentic face-to-face relationships. But I think the difficulty is to get them there, because if they're used to being on screens in their home, they might not even wanna get out.
This is more the burden I would put on parents to raise your child where you have a deep and rich connection. For example, no matter how busy your day is, make dinner time a family time, have dinner together every day, where you come and sit together and you're [00:06:00] actually talking about your day and sharing about your life with one another.
And that becomes a habit that they're used to and they can taste and see that. The one-on-one or the real in-person interaction is so much more richer and rewarding than whatever the screens can provide. I would start with family habits. Parents making an aim or in being very intentional to create family routines that prioritize connection.
And then I would encourage families as well, parents as well to make effort to have friends, and then to host, to invite friends into their home. So that they are not just embedded in their family but also embedded within a community where authentic relationships and especially cross-generational relationships are happening, so that the generations who are, who have gone through [00:07:00] experiences can impart their experiences to the younger generation. And there is wisdom that's coming down that they can see, and learn a bigger perspective than their own little world.
John Yoder: Monica shares with us how school, clubs, other organizations can be great places for kids to build relationships.
Monica Vang: if they are in public school or private school or school where they can face-to-face, interact with others, I would encourage them to find that one close friend or person that they connect with, maybe a club.
John Yoder: Monica goes on to encourage parents to engage their children in volunteering, in serving those whose needs are greater than their own. This is helpful not just to build people skills, but also to overcome anxiety and depression.
Some of the greatest causes of anxiety and depression are focusing on one's own problems. In volunteering, we [00:08:00] serve those whose problems are greater than our own. That can give to us a sense of gratitude and a sense of confidence, and in the process develop social skills.
Monica Vang: There's also so many amazing nonprofit organizations out there where students or kids can be involved in volunteering. And that's a great place for kids, teens, adults, even to connect with other community members who, are maybe coming there because they need services or they're volunteering, right? So I would really lean on the social connections that they might have in the places that maybe they already enjoy. Whether it's school, church, finding an organization that they wanna volunteer at.
John Yoder: All children need assistance and guidance in building their people skills, but some need more assistance than others. [00:09:00] Dasha gives us some clear guidance for helping those children who need a greater level of assistance in building their face-to-face relational skills.
Dasha Cochran: And to really listen, what is difficult about it? Is there maybe something about yourself that you're self-conscious about? Do you feel a hard time culturally relating to other kids? Are you being bullied? Because there could be a lot of aspects of this issue, right?
So I think that the listening posture and really understanding what's happening. And I think if we listen the interventions will emerge, be because we can make an assumption, for example, that well, they're just shy, right? But maybe they're being bullied, they're not shy, but they're being bullied, especially in subtle ways. Maybe they're being called names like the N word or whatever. Or maybe people don't like their accent, right? Or whatever that is. And so understanding the details.
Once you get into the details, the solutions will often present [00:10:00] themselves and then you can think about it. Okay, should I facilitate some play dates? Should we be inviting kids over? If we in invite kids over and nobody comes, that's pretty indicative, right?
Then perhaps you need to do a school-based intervention to where you go to talk to the teacher, maybe even to the principal, right? If there is no movement there, perhaps it's time to search for another school, or maybe you join an athletics club or you explore the possibility of a youth group, to engage in those social. But again, I feel like if you understand the issue, if it can be a child driven, then it will save us a lot of time and heartache.
John Yoder: Christine agrees with what Dasha just shared, and she says that those who have come from most global cultures to the United States are more collectivistic in nature. That is, back in their homelands they raised children in conjunction with grandparents, aunts, uncles, pastors, [00:11:00] community. Now that they've come here. They're cut off from them. Often it's just what we would call the nuclear family. And Christine's recommendation is that parents come together with others and build a community where together they can parent children.
Christine Chow: And then there might be other people that you can pull in to help you with your parenting. We can't really completely parse out our parenting responsibilities to other people. That's not helpful. But we compare it more in community. If I'm gonna have a very busy weekend, Could you take my child to be with your family for a weekend where they are with people? And then vice versa. So like tag teaming a little bit more. So that you are getting help. You are not on your own trying to do everything.
John Yoder: Monica adds another thought to this, that often children will not share certain things with [00:12:00] their parents. So wise parents see to it that their children have other adults that they trust, whether they're family members, others in church or community, with whom they can be open.
Monica Vang: If the child is not trusting their parent to tell them what's going on, right? Whether they're using substances or watching inappropriate things or something like that, right? Is there someone else that they can turn to? Is it a neighbor? Is it a church member? Is it another friend's parent? Because my hope is most teenagers will not wanna tell their parents things.
My hope is that the child will at least trust another trusted adult and then trust that adult will do their due diligence to, protect them, especially if they're doing something dangerous. Or to inform the parent in some sense. So it's okay if parents don't know all the time, they're probably gonna not know everything. But can they set up [00:13:00] their child for success by teaching them making sure do they have trusted adults and care for them as best as they can to guide them.
John Yoder: Next up, Christine shares with us why it's often wise that a counselor is one of the trusted adults your children open up to.
Christine Chow: Sometimes it's helpful to find a counselor for your kid. Because that counselor comes in as a neutral person and they don't have all the power struggles that you have had with your kid at home. And then in counseling, usually the tone is very supportive and engaging, allowing the child to talk. And then a bond develops.
But then this is another adult in their life. But they're not looking to that adult for all the things that they want from their parents, toys or whatever, or approval. So then this adult becomes a mentor, [00:14:00] but then another wise voice in the teen’s world. That's helpful. Also a safe place for them to share whatever struggles that they have, especially if they're having struggles with their parents. They might not wanna tell their parents about it, but here's another wise person that's in their lives that's able to weigh in on that struggle.
John Yoder: Many of you are familiar with the concept of a tribal elder, somebody that's looked up to in the community for wisdom and guidance. I wanna play for you a clip that Michelle shared with us in an earlier episode in which she compares her role as a counselor to that of being a tribal elder.
Michelle Frauenshuh: So how I've communicated my job over the years, when I'm working with immigrant communities is in the United States, because we are an individualistic society, which I'm not frankly a huge fan of. We do not [00:15:00] have the equivalent of a village elder, and our family systems are not structured in a way where elders are respected in the same way.
And so one of the not-so-great things about being in the United States is that you have to pay people for roles that would normally just met be met within your community, in your country of origin. And so I am simply no different than the village elder that maybe you might bring a lovely meal or a support in some other way as they help you navigate problems. And here in United States, we just use insurance to do the same process.
John Yoder: Jesus and his apostles gave to us several commands that use the phrase “one another”: love one another, encourage one another, exhort one another, bear one another's [00:16:00] burdens, forgive one another, pray for one another, and more.
We cannot obey these commands online. We cannot do them on a screen. We cannot do them listening to a church service online. These commands require face-to-face relationships. So let us work together that parents, children, and everyone who names the name of Jesus strive hard to maintain strong, healthy, vibrant face-to-face relationships.
Friends, as you listen in to this podcast, you may think of people that you know that desperately need to engage in these conversations about anxiety, depression, relationships, and a whole lot more. But some of them, especially if they're first generation, may not be online people. They may not be podcast people. They may not be web search kind of people. And they may not speak English.
Next time we want to share with you some practical ideas, [00:17:00] how you can help people like that begin to engage in this conversation about mental health. I'll see you then.
