Faith Feelings and my F-150, episode 3
Why Deal with Your Emotions?
NARRATOR: The funeral of Alex’ dad was difficult for everyone. Pastor Petrov asked Nikolai and Alena if they’d like to share a few words about their father. Neither of them did. There wasn’t much positive to say. The three siblings rarely spoke to one another. It was like they had nothing in common except being beaten by their father.
Most of those who attended the funeral were church members who came to support Vera in the loss of her husband. Many of them had reached out to Viktor, but never built a relationship with him.
A handful of Viktor’s drinking buddies attended the funeral. Pastor Petrov was careful not to give any false assurance that Viktor had gone to heaven. He simply shared a gracious message that God is present with us in our losses and offers all of us the hope of forgiveness, peace, and eternal life.
As the reception came to an end, Alex said to Natasha, “I want to go over to the Stimson account in Cottage Grove for a bit. There are a few things about their switch box I want to finish before Monday.”
Natasha gave him a goodbye hug. She knew there was a switch box out there somewhere that needed fixing. There always was. But she knew there was a bigger agenda. Alex had spent all morning and afternoon being emotionally “up” for family and friends, while he was dealing with lots of anger internally. Spending time in his F-150 was his “man cave” where he could be alone and have space to process everything. He was always in a better mood after he was able to recharge his batteries through time alone. Natasha was grateful he had a job that required him to spend so much time on the road, where he had lots of time to think.
As Alex pulled away from the church parking lot, he was relieved he didn’t have to be all smiles anymore. He was really glad to find quiet space for himself. But he was also motivated to learn more about moving beyond his anger and loss. He really liked the analogy Lauren used of a Grief Tower. Her point was that lots of big and little losses pile up in our lives without us even being aware of them. When they reach a certain point, we can’ t cope anymore. So we need to take each one of those blocks and process them one by one. Alex played the next chapter in Lauren’s audiobook to hear what she had to say next.
LAUREN WELLS: What do you think of when you hear the word “grief”? Most of us think of death. While that is certainly one of the causes of grief, the term is so much more broad than that. You may have deaths on your Grief Tower, but you likely have more of what could be perceived as smaller, less significant blocks on your tower – a good friend who moved away, a lost job, a move to a new city, a breakup, etc. These events still fit the definition of grief, in that you are losing someone or something that was important to you, but they often don’t get the attention of the bigger “blocks” like death or violence.
What I’ve found in helping hundreds of families and individuals unstack their Grief Towers is that it’s usually these “smaller” blocks that have the biggest grip on our life. This is because as these hardships happen throughout our life, they don’t seem to warrant the attention and processing that the big things do. We typically give time and attention to grieving a death, but a lost job doesn’t seem to deserve the same attentiveness. What happens, then, is that the little things keep going unprocessed, and the tower keeps growing taller and taller. On their own, each of those experiences may not have been that significant, but on top of several other difficult things, the impact increases.
NARRATOR: Alex realized Lauren was right. Most of the time, he thought about the times his father was physically abusive. But there were other losses that were very real. He thought about the time he had to drop out of his softball team because he couldn’t show the bruises on his arm. And the times he wanted to have friends over, but his mom refused because she didn’t know how his dad would feel. Those losses weren’t as great as watching his mother being beaten. But they were still very real losses.
LAUREN WELLS: Often our subconscious reason for not getting curious is because it feels vulnerable. Opening up past hurts, exposing unhealthy patterns, looking deep into the hardest parts of our story – it all feels a bit like jumping into deep, dark water. That feels uncomfortable at best and sometimes just downright terrifying. But, as Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.”
Another significant reason you may not have unstacked your tower along the way is that you haven’t had people in your life to teach you how to process difficult things and provide you with comfort and support through grief and loss, especially in your childhood. When children go through difficult experiences, they should have caring adults teaching them how to name and feel emotions, showing them what comfort and support should look like, and planting helpful narratives such as, “You are strong and brave.” Did you have that support growing up? If not, what were the messages you heard around emotions or getting through difficult experiences?
NARRATOR: Alex never thought about that before. He knew his mom experienced more pain than anyone else from his dad’s behavior. There was so much pain that she stuffed down, just so she could smile at the kids. Alex never expected her to show him how to process pain, since she was so used to hiding her own. What Alex learned from her example was that stuffing down your pain was the best way to deal with it.
Although Alex had grown up in church and heard lots of teaching, he never heard anyone talk about processing grief before. He was grateful to have the opportunity to hear a Christian like Lauren explain it.
LAUREN WELLS: Ultimately it was for the best! I often hear sentiments like, “It was hard, but look at all the good things that came from it!” All the optimistic, positive-energy people start to sheepishly grin here.
There is absolutely space to recognize the redemptive parts of a difficult experience, but only focusing on the end of the story doesn’t give space for grieving the emotions that were felt before you knew all the good that would come from it. Some of the most impactful blocks that I’ve seen on Grief Towers are those that were skipped past in an effort to focus on the good.
NARRATOR: Alex knew what Lauren met by focusing on the good. Since childhood he learned it was the Christian’s responsibility to “give thanks in all things” and “rejoice always”. And he still believed that was true. But sometimes focusing only on how God used things for good kept him from seeing how bad those things were.
Alex knew his parents had chosen to leave the industrial city of Novokuznetsk because of its high rates of alcoholism, homicide, and suicide. They wanted their children to grow up in a place that was safer and healthier, and that offered them better educational and job opportunities. For a while, Alex’ father relaxed after they moved to America. But his curse of alcohol addiction ultimately returned. God used the family’s move to the US to give Alex the opportunity for a better life. But that did not mean his father’s alcoholism didn’t leave lasting scars in his children’s lives.
LAUREN WELLS: It’s not as bad as what others have gone through. When you know people whose lives have been so much more grief-filled than yours, it may be easy to ignore your own difficult experiences because, compared to those of others, yours isn’t very significant.
But here’s the thing: you’re not processing their Grief Tower. You’re processing yours. Yes, they may have a tall Grief Tower filled with grief and trauma, and it will impact them. You, however, also have a Grief Tower filled with difficult experiences that will impact you. Compassion is not a limited resource reserved for only the “really hard things.” There is enough compassion to go around and to warrant the attention of unstacking your Grief Tower even if what’s on it seems minute in comparison to someone else’s.
NARRATOR: When he thought about the bad decisions Nikolai and Alena had made because of their father’s abuse, Alex felt blessed. He had a loving wife, two healthy young kids, and a good job. Unlike his siblings, he didn’t have to cope with former spouses, custody arrangements, chemical addition, unemployment, or chronic depression.
But he was still angry. His father had never been a good dad. His mother was too preoccupied with her own issues to focus on her children. Alex could list ways in which he and Natasha were far better parents than they were. He was grateful he could provide good parenting for his children. But he still wished someone had provided it for him.
LAUREN WELLS: I had to stuff down so I could step up. Perhaps you’ve found yourself playing the role of caretaker, comforter, or even mediator. During difficult events or seasons, the people around you were also not doing well, and you felt it was your responsibility to care for them….
If your lack of unstacking is because you stuffed down your emotions to step up for your parents, your siblings, or your own children, your grief still needs to be processed. Continuing to meet the emotional needs of others at the expense of your own isn’t a sustainable solution. You can be loving, caring, and supportive and still do your own unstacking.
NARRATOR: Alex always felt bad for Nikolai and Alena. But he felt an even greater responsibility to take care of his mother Vera. She had suffered so much over the years. Alex and Natasha had put in a lot of work remodeling their basement, so it could be a completed apartment for Vera to live in now that her husband was gone. Alex wanted her final years to be full of peace and rest.
At the funeral, Nikolai and Alena were clearly uncomfortable and distant. Alex and his mother did what they had been doing for years. They smiled and greeted everyone. They weren’t pretending that everything was okay. But they felt the best example they could set as Christians was to smile and give others a good impression.
LAUREN WELLS: It was so long ago. Some blocks on your Grief Tower may have been collecting dust for a long time. You may be skeptical that experiences that happened so long ago could impact your adulthood and current reality. What I am constantly amazed by, however, is the undeniable impact that Grief Tower blocks, especially those that were stacked during our childhood, have on how we live out our lives. As you go through this process of unstacking, you may be amazed to see how much weight your tower has covertly carried in your life.
It’s exhausting and time-consuming. Taking time to unstack your Grief Tower is probably something you’ll have to muster up willpower to do. You may find yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted after working through a block. You may think, “I’ve hardly done anything today, so why am I so tired?” I don’t have to tell you that it’s worth doing anyway — if you’re reading this book, I assume you know that. But I do want to acknowledge and validate the fact that this work isn’t easy and that it may feel worse before it gets better.
NARRATOR: That last sentence was a reality check. Alex thought Lauren was spot-on. Dealing with resentment and loss was going to be hard work, and it would probably get worse before it gets better.
But Alex was determined to push through it. He had spent enough years being angry at his father, and it was enough. He was going to do what it takes to make it through to the other side.
