Faith, Feelings, and My F-150, episode 5

March 18, 2025

Alex realizes that unresolved anger at his abusive father was negatively impacting his relationship with his wife and children. He learns to change false beliefs subconsciously harming his capacity to give and receive love.

Episode Transcript

Faith, Feelings, and My F-150 episode 5: How Unresolved Issues Affect Relationships

NARRATOR: Over the next few weeks, Alex spent a lot of time talking to his sister Alena. She had always been angry at her father, but somehow after his death she felt a new freedom to express that anger. Alex spent several phone calls just listening to her vent about all the things their dad had done.

He knew she was absolutely right. Every accusation she made against their father was spot-on. Alex could clearly empathize with what she was feeling.

He knew holding onto that anger wasn’t helpful for Alena. It led to an inability to trust others, which was partly responsible for the breakup of both her marriages. She had no interest in dating. She felt all men were untrustworthy. She never formed long-term friendships with other women. She would build friendships that lasted for a while. It always seemed it was the other person’s fault when they parted ways.

Listening to Alena’s complaining wasn’t very pleasant. But Alex was grateful that for the first time in years, she was opening up to someone. He hoped in time that she would open up to God and experience his forgiveness.

Alex also spent more time with his mother Vera in the weeks after his father’s death. His mom had been a faithful caregiver and companion to his father. In his final weeks, she spent hours each day at the hospital. She faithfully cared for everyone else, but wasn’t strong at caring for herself.

Now that his father was gone, Alex was out to change that. He and Natasha had remodeled their basement as a lovely apartment with its own entrance. It would be relatively easy for a group from church to move her things from her home, so she could put it on the market. Vera was a loving grandmother to Adrian and Lara. For the first time in his life, Alex felt he could provide a safe, happy environment for his beloved mother.

During his commute the next morning, Alex listened to the chapter in Lauren’s audiobook about ways we tell ourselves we need to take care of others but never ourselves.

LAUREN WELLS: As my Grief Tower grew during our time in Africa and the year that followed, I quickly learned that the most effective coping method, along with napping and getting lost in books, was to decide that I was invincible and could handle anything. As a teenager, I developed the incredibly helpful (but not unharmful) skill of being able to turn off my emotion switch and not feel anything.

Well, almost anything. By now, you’ve likely caught onto the fact that the price for turning off my emotions was always a lurking anxiety - though I never learned to name it until I started unstacking my own Grief Tower.

In my teenage years when the house felt tense or heated conversations were happening around me, I learned that if I could shut down my feelings and turn my focus on everyone else, I could lighten the household mood by skillfully reducing the tension in the room, mediating arguments, or being the perfect child so I wouldn’t add to the chaos. This system seemed to benefit me and everyone else, and I was constantly praised for my mature, responsible, even-keeled ways.

Fast forward five years to a newly married twenty-year-old. Aaron will tell you that he’s the emotional one in our relationship. He will also tell you that in those first few years of marriage, his high-strung, “Type A” personality filled our home to the brim with tension. Good thing I knew what to do with that! Enter, invincible me with the capacity to handle all the things and go above and beyond in caring for my husband, home, and eventually children when they came along, so that his tension would decrease and I would feel better. I knew this dance well and believed I could keep it up eternally.

And I did for several years. But then my anxiety (which I had learned to name along the way) kept increasing, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. So I went to counseling again. I thought I was going to address my anxiety. I certainly didn’t expect to uncover unhealthy relational patterns. But as our sessions went on, I began to discover that the narratives I was believing might actually have been the root of the problem.

Conversations with my therapist would go something like this:

“And you think it’s your responsibility to care for the emotions of the people around you?”
“Yes, of course it is! How else would we all survive?”
“Why do you need to be the one to carry the load of all the practical things and all the emotional things?”
“Because I can handle more than they can, and it’s the kind thing to do.”
“What happens if you don’t do that?”
“Everything falls apart, and I’m an anxious mess.”

Do you see the relational narratives that were slowly being mined out?
“It’s my responsibility to care for everyone else’s emotions.”
“I can handle more than most people, so I should take on more.”
“Kindness = taking responsibility for everyone.”
“If I don’t take care of everything and everyone, everything will fall apart.”

Several years ago, if you would have read those narratives to me and asked if I felt they were true, I would have said, “Absolutely, 1000%.” My life seemed to have proved it. And that’s the thing. With relational narratives, we tend to have a track record that proves our narrative correct. But “seemingly correct” does not mean healthy or helpful.

Living into narratives around relationships usually leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. We begin to act on the beliefs we have and let the beliefs convince us that we should push people away before they get too close, end a relationship before the other person does, and protect ourselves by never trusting anyone.

Common narratives around relationships are:
• “I’m not allowed to have needs.”
• “I’m annoying and bothersome to people.”
• “I don’t deserve love.”
• “People always leave.”
• “People always let you down.”
• “I can’t trust anyone.”
• “People aren’t safe.”
• “Nobody likes me.”
• “I’m going to mess this up.”
• “As soon as they get to know me, they won’t like me.”
• “I’m unlovable.”

Do any of these feel true to you? Are there others that you can easily name? Sometimes finding the relational narratives begins with looking at our Grief Tower blocks and seeing what narratives may have come from those.

NARRATOR: When Alex returned home that evening, he shared what he had learned with Natasha. All along the way, he’d been sharing everything he was discovering through Lauren’s audiobook. Natasha was not only his wife, she was his best friend, and she was very supportive during the entire process.

As Alex told Natasha about the chapter he listened to that day, he shared how he clearly saw his mother in it. “You know”, he said, “Mom has always been just like Lauren explained today. She was always taking care of everyone else. Most of the time she was taking care of dad. Then she would care for us kids or others in the church. But she never took care of herself. She believed she had to be the strong one. I hope now that dad’s gone, she’ll be able to take care of herself.”

Natasha replied, “I’m really glad you can see that in your mom. Whenever I see her, she’s always thinking about someone else. I don’t know if she’s ever asked me for something for her. Is there anyone else you saw in this chapter?”

Alex paused to think for a moment. “Well, not Nikolai or Alena. And certainly not dad. So, I guess not.”

“What about you?” Natasha asked.

“Me? Mom is always the one taking care of everybody else”, Alex replied. “She’s been the glue holding everything together.”

Natasha continued, “And who is being the strong one now, taking care of your mom and Alena?”

Alex hadn’t really thought about that. Since childhood he’d always seen his mother as the hardworking caregiver. It never dawned on him that he might be following the same pattern. He replied, “Well, I’ve put a lot of time into getting our basement ready for mom to move in. And I’ve been with her at the hospital quite a bit these past weeks. And since the funeral, I’ve been so excited that Alena is finally opening up. She’s never done that before. So I’ve put a lot of time into her too. You’ve been really patient with me through all of this.”

Natasha asked, “Did all of that caregiving affect the way your mom treated you kids?”

“Oh yeah,” Alex replied. “Mom always had to put dad first. He was the one who would explode if things didn’t go his way. Us kids got what part of her was left after that.”

“And how about you?” Natasha asked.

Alex was a bit surprised that she asked. “I’m not anything like that,” he replied. “You’re not an alcoholic like dad. I don’t have to go around cleaning up all your messes. You take great care of me and the kids.”

Natasha continued, “But does it seem like all the time and energy you’ve focused on your extended family has affected your relationship with the kids?”

“I don’t think so”, Alex replied.

Natasha paused for a moment, then spoke slowly and softly. “Honey, there are a few times this month when you’ve actually snapped at little Adrian. I don’t mean a big blowup or anything. It’s just the tone you use. There are a few times Adrian and Lara have actually been afraid of you.

That really grabbed Alex’ attention. Of all the insults you could hurl at Alex, the worst would be saying he’s like his father. Alex worked hard to be the total opposite of his father. In many ways that was true. Alex was sober, hardworking, kind, and godly. But there was one way Alex was still very much like his father. He was angry. And that anger was affecting the way he spoke to the kids.

“Really? They’re afraid of me?” Alex asked. That would have never dawned on him.

Natasha was quick to affirm Alex. “It’s not a super big deal. They know you love them. But sometimes when you’re thinking about your father, your anger comes out sideways at them. And when I see you tossing and turning in bed, I know what’s going on. You don’t ask me quite as often how I’m doing. I’m doing fine. I’m totally behind you in this. But the emotional weight you carry around is affecting the rest of us."

That was a reality check for Alex. He’d been focusing on his mom and sister so much lately, he didn’t realize he wasn’t as loving to Natasha and the kids. He became even more resolved to deal with his anger. The cost of holding onto that anger was just too high.

Faith, Feelings, and My F-150, episode 5

Take the 7 Day Cross-Cultural Challenge!

Do you have confidence in your ability to initiate enjoyable, Christ-centered conversations with people from other cultures? Do you have specific resources in multiple languages to move them towards faith?