Faith, Feelings, and My F-150
Episode 7: Where is God in our Pain?
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NARRATOR: Alex Zacharov was mad at God. The shock of his mother’s sudden death was just too much to take. It was bad enough that he had to grow up with an alcoholic father. It was bad enough that his brother and sister were totally messed up because of their dad’s influence. But his mom put up with so much. She faced the worst of her husband’s abuse for years. Now that he was gone, she was finally at a place where she could have peace and rest.
Alex wanted nothing more than to provide safety and joy for her in her final years. But those final years would never come. An aneurysm suddenly took her away. His mother spent her entire adult life without experiencing a family full of love and peace. Now she never would. Alex would never see her experience the rest he hoped he could provide.
His mother had been faithful to God all her life. So had Alex. So why wasn’t God faithful to them? Why wasn’t he rewarding their obedience? Everyone in the community regarded her as a saint. Is this the way God treats saints? Does it make any difference whether we lead godly lives? Will God be there at the end?
The night after Vera’s sudden death, Alex didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned in bed, full of anger and hurt at all his father had done to them. He wanted to do what his father had done all those years—look for escape in a bottle of vodka. But Alex wasn’t going to let his father win that one. For his own sake and the sake of his family, Alex determined to stay sober. But that didn’t stop the torrent of anger flooding his heart.
Natasha didn’t sleep much that night, either. She could tell Alex was restless and angry. But she believed he needed time to process the deep loss he just experienced. So she stayed quiet and pretended to sleep.
The next morning, Natasha let Alex get up early, fix himself breakfast, and head out for work. She took care of herself and the kids after he left. Alex was always an early riser, and she felt it was best for him to have that space to himself
During the drive to his client site, Alex was exhausted from all the feelings flooding his mind. He decided to listen to the next section in Lauren’s audiobook.
LAUREN WELLS: The more I’ve worked with people unstacking their Grief Towers, the more I’m convinced that the majority of foundational beliefs we have about spirituality were birthed out of the blocks on our Grief Tower.
For some people, the hardest things in life were met with the felt presence of a loving God, and that convinced them that not only is God undeniably real, but they can’t imagine going through the next hard thing without his presence and comfort.
For others, the more difficult blocks on their Grief Tower convinced them that there must not be a God or that if there is, he must not care. Otherwise that horrible thing wouldn’t have happened.
For those who have historically had a spiritual background but haven’t been practicing in recent history, I find that the reason is often because of how they believe God showed up during their hardest moments or how God shows up when hard things happen now. It can be easy to assign blame to a deity whom we feel hasn’t shown up with care and compassion at the times we needed it most.
NARRATOR: That was enough. Alex couldn’t listen anymore. He knew Lauren was right. He was at a crossroads. A decision point. People who go through deep trauma either believe God wasn’t there and walk away from him, or believe he was there and draw closer to him.
God didn’t feel very present right now. He wasn’t present in his father’s life, even at the very end. Victor died a bitter and resentful man. God certainly wasn’t doing anything in Nikolai and Alena’s lives. They were as messed up as ever. And now they were even angrier because of their mom’s sudden passing.
And God didn’t seem to care the least bit for Alex’s mom. She had been faithful to him all her life. And now, at a place where she could finally find peace, God let a blood clot in her brain snuff out her life. Life wasn’t very warm and fuzzy right now. God felt quite distant and unconcerned.
That evening, after they put the kids to bed, Alex unloaded at Natasha. He made it clear up front that he wasn’t mad at her. But he was really mad. And he needed to vent all the anger that was built up inside. Alex’ words poured out rapidly, loudly and in no particular order.
Natasha remained silent the whole time. But it was very clear she wasn’t being a passive listener. She sat on the edge of the sofa, attentive to every word. Sometimes she silently nodded in agreement. Within a few minutes, tears streamed down her cheeks, and she needed to reach over and grab the box of Kleenex on the coffee table.
At some point, Alex ran out of words. The torrent stopped, and he was able to quiet down. After a few seconds’ pause, Alex said to Natasha, “You are such a good listener. I really appreciate your being able to put up with me right now.”
Natasha knew if was finally time for her to say a few words. She replied softly, “I’m just trying to be more like God. He’s a good listener, too.”
Alex asked, “What do you mean?”
Natasha replied, “When I read the Psalms, I see all these believers who are really mad at God. And they’re not holding anything back. They’re really letting God have it. They’re telling God he doesn’t care, he forgot them, he’s far away, he’s just not a very good God. I mean, I don’t know what kind of swear words they used in Hebrew 3,000 years ago, but I’m pretty sure those guys used them.” A brief smile washed across her face.
“And it looks like God just sat there and took it. He didn’t blow up or anything. He didn’t zap them with lightning from heaven. He didn’t particularly say anything. And most of those people were like King David, who went on and kept loving God even after they really blew up at him.”
“Huh,” Alex replied. “I never thought of it like that. I guess God has big shoulders after all.”
Natasha asked, “Do you remember those Bible verses I texted you a while back? The ones on the kinds of emotions God experiences? Well, there are other verses where people tell God they’re mad at him, and how it all worked out in the end. What do you think? Would it be okay if I texted you some of those verses like I did before?”
“Yeah, okay,” Alex replied. “I guess I’m not the first person to go through something like this.”
Alex slept much better that night. And true to her word, the following day Natasha began to text him passages where people vented their anger at God. The first verse she sent was one Alex quickly recognized.
Psalm 22:1-2 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Alex knew Jesus quoted that Psalm on the cross. It was Jesus’ darkest day. He was beaten and bloody. He was betrayed by Judas and deserted by his disciples. He hung there naked in front of everyone, while they mocked him out loud. It couldn’t get worse than that.
Alex had heard these words many times before, but for the first time he felt the scandal of it all. He could totally empathize with Jesus wondering, “God, why have you forsaken me?” Alex felt like God was ignoring him and his mom. Now he realized Jesus felt the same way.
The next 2 passages Natasha texted him sounded very similar.
Psalm 13:1-2 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Psalm 44:24-26 Why do you hide your face? Why do you forget our affliction and oppression? For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help! Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love!
Those words really hurt. “Our soul is bowed down to the dust.” That’s really what happened. A tiny blood clot turned his mom into a pile of dust. The family had her cremated. She really was dust! The next verse sounded hollow: “Rise up, come to our help!” It was too late. Vera was gone. No chance to rise to her help.
The next passage Natasha texted Alex gave him the ability to cool down and think clearly.
7-14 Psalm 46:10-11 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
The thoughts inside Alex’ head had screamed at him in anger. They kept him up at night. But now Alex was ready to calm down. He was exhausted by all he had been feeling. He had often heard these words before: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
Alex thought God was being very patient listening to him, just as he had been with the writers of the Psalms. He felt like God was saying to him, “That’s enough. I know you’re still angry. We’ll deal with that later. But for right now, just be still, and know that I am God. I know things are hard. I know life isn’t fair. I know good people aren’t always rewarded in this life. But I’m still God. I’m still sitting on the throne. Somewhere, somehow, this storm will pass. Someday it will be okay. Just trust me.”
That was enough for now. Alex had vented enough. He was ready to do some listening.
He was surprised at the next verse Natasha chose.
Matthew 10:28 Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Alex was focused on what happened to his mom’s body. But Alex knew for certain she was in heaven. Jesus was saying that we shouldn’t be upset if all somebody can do is kill your body. Christians are going to live in heaven forever. Alex knew that if we are going to spend billions of years in heaven, it’s no big deal if we live on earth for 3 years or 300.
Alex knew his mom was in heaven. He knew she was with God. And in his heart, Alex heard the voice of God speak to him softly, “Give her to me. I know how much you wanted to care for her. I know how hard you worked, preparing your home for her. But I prepared a home for her too, and mine is better than yours. I can take care of her better than you can. She’s in good hands. She’s really happy here. She wouldn’t want to go back if she could.
“I’m really pleased with all you did to care for your mom. But she’s mine now. You were a good son. But you can relax now. Take good care of Natasha and the kids. They still need you.”
Alex wept. He lifted his hands toward heaven and prayed, “She’s yours, God. I give her to you. Thank you so much for taking good care of her. Thank you that all her pain is gone. Help me let go of all the pain that’s still inside me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
There were good days and bad days after that. Sometimes there were days of wonderful memories and sweet worship. Sometimes anger and doubt came flooding back in. But over time, the good days increased and the painful days subsided.
Alex knew the next chapter in Lauren’s audiobook was about processing one’s losses. It was the core of the book, where listeners finally put into practice everything they had learned.
Alex was ready to let go. He was ready to work through the pain of his past. He just needed a path to do it.
