Faith, Feelings, and My F-150, episode 11
The Church and Sexual Abuse
NARRATOR: Alex had been journaling about the wounds of his childhood for a few weeks. He found it very helpful to write everything out on paper. That let him look back at his experiences through a new lens. He would journal in the evenings at home. After that, he had plenty of drive time in his truck to process what he had written.
Some of the time Alex was processing, and some of the time he was praying. In ways, the two blurred together. Alex felt like he was bringing all his hurts into Godâs presence. It reminded him very much of praying for physical healing. People with illnesses bring their hurts before God, asking for his comfort as well as his healing touch. It just made sense that God is just as concerned about our emotional pain as our physical pain. Alex felt a new level of closeness to God he hadnât experienced before.
The next chapter in Laurenâs audiobook talked about finding safe people to tell about our process.
LAUREN WELLS: Another helpful method is to bring safe, trustworthy people into the conversation who can bring insight as you hunt for combating narratives. We love to facilitate Unstacking Groups because it creates the perfect environment for this. Not everyoneâs narratives are the same, so there are likely people who can help you develop combating narratives because their struggle is different from yours, and thus, their perspective on your harmful narratives can provide combating words. For example, if you share, âIâm really struggling with the belief that itâs my job to keep everyone happy,â you may have a friend who says, âThatâs a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and it doesnât sound like thatâs healthy for you or anyone else. You can certainly care well for people without being responsible for their emotions.â
In this way we can invite our friends to help us find combating narratives â and write a different story for ourselves. If you donât have people in your life to play this role, seeking out a counselor to help you pinpoint internal narratives and wordsmith combating narratives may be a good next step.
If you find that youâre not being met with supportive responses or that the people around you habitually give shutdown responses, I would encourage you to find someone who can show up as an emotionally safe space as you work through the unstacking process. This could be a friend or even a paid counselor. Having a supportive person or community beside you as you begin to unstack your Grief Tower is an important piece of walking through this process well.
NARRATOR: That was new to Alex. He didnât know anyone who talked to others about their emotional pain. Most Christians he knew just encouraged him to say, âPraise the Lordâ and not really focus on the past.
That evening he discussed it with Natasha. She had always been his best friend and confidante. But Alex felt it wasnât right for her to carry all the burden. He should probably find someone else to talk to as well.
But he had no idea who to ask. He was afraid if he asked most of his friends, they would think it was really weird, and would be embarrassed to respond. He asked Natasha who she thought would be good to open up to.
Natasha suggested, âWhy donât you talk to Pastor Petrov? Heâs a really good listener, and has a lot of wisdom.âAlex objected. âNo, heâs really busy. Besides, everybody in the church brings their problems to him. He doesnât need to listen to one more person dealing with their issues.â
Natasha replied, âYou know how much Pastor and Mrs. Petrov loved your mom. And they love you too. He knows how gruff your dad was. Iâm sure he has a good idea what youâre going through. I canât imagine youâll say anything that will surprise him.â
Natasha was right. Pastor Petrov had genuinely cared for their family through the years. Alex contacted him and set a time to meet at the church office.
Dmitri Petrov was a warm and personable pastor, easy to talk to. Alex was hesitant at first, but as soon as he realized Pastor Petrov was a safe person to talk to, he opened up. He shared many of the things he had been journaling over the past weeks.
Occasionally Pastor Petrov would say a few words to validate what Alex was experiencing, but for the most part he just listened attentively.
As he wound down his processing, Alex said, âI bet you donât get a lot of people coming in to tell you about these things.â
Pastor Petrovâs reply was very wise. âAlex, you are a very courageous young man. Youâve broken some of the strongest traditions of Russian culture. Youâve talked to an outsider about dark family secrets. You shared your doubts about God and whether he was there for you. That took a lot of courage. Not everyone can do that. But Iâm seeing more and more young people who are ready to discuss these things.â
âReally?â Alex asked. âMore people like me are talking about family issues?â
Pastor Petrov asked, âHave you met the new family from Milwaukee, Mikhail and Tatiana?â
Alex replied, âYes, but I donât know them well. They seem to be pretty quiet.â
Pastor Petrov replied, âIâve spent a bit of time with them since they moved to Minneapolis. I can tell you something today, but donât share it with anyone else until Sunday. Tatiana is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Back in Milwaukee, she never told anyone but Mikhail. But now that theyâre making a new start in Minnesota, sheâs starting to tell her story. Itâs a wonderful testimony of how God brought healing into her life.
For a long time, she asked me to not tell anyone. And I did not. But now she is ready to tell her story. This Sunday Iâve asked her to take five minutes in the service to share her testimony. After that you can tell anyone.â
âNobody has ever shared anything like that in church!â Alex said. âDo you think our people are ready to hear it?â
Pastor Petrov knew better. âThere will be some of the older generation who will be displeased. They donât think we should mention family business out in the open. But I know some of the younger generation who will be very grateful we allowed Tatiana to tell her story. Sheâs not the only one, you know.â
Alex was intrigued to see what would happen that Sunday. As he thought about it, he realized he needed to invite his sister Alena. She hadnât been to church in years. She knew she wasnât living the kind of life church people would approve of. She thought of church as a bunch of self-righteous people who dress the right way and say the right words, but donât care about anybody outside the church.
When Alex called Alena to tell her about Tatianaâs story, she was shocked. She SCREAMED at the other end of the phone, âTheyâre going to talk about THAT in church? I have got to hear that!â
And sure enough, Alena joined Alex and Natasha that Sunday. After opening worship, Pastor Petrov came to the pulpit to introduce Tatiana.
âFrom time to time, we have members share their testimonies with the whole congregation. A few months ago, Mikhail and Tatiana Koslov moved here from Milwaukee. Iâve spent a bit of time with them, and heard much of their story. Iâve asked Tatiana to share her journey with us this morning. Itâs not like most stories we hear at church. Tatiana is a survivor of sexual abuse that occurred in her church. She did not receive the kind of support she should have. It has been a hard road. But God has granted her merciful healing. This is the first time Tatiana is sharing her story with a large group. Please welcome her to share with us.â
The entire congregation became still and focused. You could hear a pin drop. They didnât know what to expect, but they were completely riveted on Tatianaâs words. Tatiana spoke softly but confidently. She focused her gaze on the manuscript, not the congregation, which helped her relax as she spoke to such a large crowd.
"Greetings, friends. Thank you so much for the warm way you have welcomed me and Mikhail since we moved from Milwaukee. Youâve been so kind to us.
As Pastor Petrov mentioned a moment ago, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have never shared my story in public before. But I feel that I have come to a place of healing where I am able to share my story with you. You need to know, because it is too common in the church. We cannot stay silent anymore. We must learn to speak about these things. I am not a public speaker, so please pardon as I read from my manuscript.
I am more than a survivor of abuse. As the Apostle Paul says, 'We are more than conquerors through him who loves us.'
I was thirteen when it began. Our youth pastorâa man our entire congregation trustedâtook an 'interest' in my spiritual development. Private prayer sessions. Special mentoring. Always behind closed doors. I didn't have words for what was happening. In my Russian-American family, we didn't speak of such things.
When I finally said something, at sixteen, I was met with silence. Uncomfortable glances. Some suggested I should pray harder, and examine my own sinfulness. 'He's a godly man,' they said. 'Perhaps you misunderstood.' The community that was supposed to protect me, chose to protect their reputation instead.
For years afterward, I felt full of shame. I left that church but couldn't leave the memories. I questioned God. Why had He abandoned me? Why had those who claimed to represent Him chosen to look away?
When I met my husband, Mikhail, I couldn't tell him at first. When I finally did, he struggled to understand. He encouraged me to speak out. He didn't understand how silence becomes a survival mechanism. And he couldnât relate to the deep sense of shame that followed me.
But Mikhail did the most important thingâhe listened. He sat with me in my pain without trying to fix it. Over time, his understanding deepened. Today, he is my strongest advocate. I canât imagine what it would be like to walk this journey without him.
Daily prayer became my lifeline. Not the rote prayers I could recite, but raw conversation with God. In that authenticity, I found Him waiting. He wasnât the distant God of institutional religion, but the God who weeps with the wounded, who promises to make all things new.
I speak today because silence protects abusers, not victims. I speak because somebody in this room is carrying a similar burden, believing they are alone. You are not alone. You are not dirty or undeserving. You are not damaged goods. You are a precious and beloved child of God.
Your story deserves to be heard. Your pain matters to God. And it matters to many of us who understand where youâre coming from.
The church should be the safest place on earth for the vulnerable. Genuine faith doesn't fear the truth. Genuine faith demands it.
I stand before you healed but still healing, forgiving but not forgetting, speaking so that others might find their voice.
Thank you for listening to my story. If any of you have a story you have never told anyone, I would be honored to hear it."
As Tatiana finished, the church was totally silent. Everyone was wide-eyed. Some were in shock. Some were horrified. But others were moved with gratitude that the church allowed someone like Tatiana to tell her story.
As she quietly walked to her seat, Pastor Petrov returned to the pulpit to begin his message. He opened with a word to Tatiana. âThank you so much for sharing with us this morning, Tatiana. You have great courage to share something so personal with the congregation. And friends, we know Tatiana is not the only one. There are others who have suffered different kinds of pain. Most have not found the church to be a safe place to seek help. We need to change that. So the subject of my message this morning is, âHow Jesus Heals Sexual Brokenness.ââ
As Alena sat next to her brother Alex, she was unaware how tightly she was grasping his forearm. He looked at her through the corner of his eye. Normally Alena found everything about the church to be boring. Not today! She was wide-eyed and attentive, and was going to hear every word pastor said.
